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I'm writing this story partly for young gay guys - you are
NOT alone.
Being old and wise (as I am at 21, lol) I can tell you that
you are
never alone, its just a matter of finding yourself, and then
finding
others like you. There are just so many people on this earth
that you couldn't possibly be unique. And partly for
families. I still haven't
told my family or friends. I'm still working it out in my
head. Writing
this is a part of my preparation in a way. I hope you will
empathize
with me and with your son/daughter/brother/sister/whatever.
I hope you will see that no one would choose this life of
agony and guilt. I am just a normal guy. I'm passionate and
loving, I'm funny and I love to laugh. I'm just like you. We
are just like you.
I've always known I was different. So different and so
alone. Now, at 21, I know I'm not that different really. My
story is a lot like many
others' stories. I never liked sports. I was always
described as a
"girly boy". My own mother once said to a friend "He's more
of a girl
than his sister" (she didn't know I was listening, and I
doubt she'd
remember it if I asked her about it now. She would probably
even deny it).
I don't remember much about what I felt in early high
school, but I remember that I was always teased about being gay.
I always denied it. I believe that I was being truthful, not
in denial,
because I didn't identify as such and therefore I wasn't
gay. I wasn't really anything. I knew I wasn't "normal" but
I didn't take the mental leap to being "gay" either. It
wasn't an issue. I didn't have any boyfriends (or
girlfriends for that matter), so it didn't really matter
what I was. I was me.
When I was 16 I had a huge crush on my best friend. I had a
lot of other problems at the time. Major depression, and
illness.
I even attempted suicide. I couldn't tell my parents. I was
so ashamed. So I confided it all in him. He couldn't handle
the burden of supporting a friend in such an emotional mess,
and cut me out of his life. It hurt so much. But looking
back I don't blame him. Although it still hurts to think
about that period, I wish him no ill. I will always care for
him, even if it is very deep down.
At this stage, I was aware that I liked guys. A lot. I would
fantasize
about them. But I still didn't consider myself gay. It was a
dirty word
to me. A sinful word. But life carried on. I was wracked
with guilt
every time a good looking guy came into my field of vision I
would
instantly think "he's hot!!" then realize what I was
thinking and try to erase the thought. I would pray to be
"normal" but I never once used the "g-word" in my prayers. I
would stop short and end up saying "I pray that I would be
normal. I don't want to be... you know."
Between the ages of 18 to 20 I think deep down I knew I was
"probably gay" but never had the guts to admit it. Everytime
a gay storyline came on TV I was incredibly uncomfortable. I
would stare at my knees trying to look nonchalant. I wonder
if it worked? I don't know. A few months after I turned 21 I
took the leap and said, in my head, to myself "I'm gay."
Writing that down now sent a shiver down my spine. I
honestly don't remember that moment well. But it was
important. I'd finally admitted to myself what I'd known for
the longest time.
My family and friends still don't know. In my heart of
hearts I think
that some must have suspicions. In a way I hope they do. It
will make the task of coming out to them easier. I've been
thinking about it so much lately. I can pretty much
categorize my family and friends into 4 groups: 1) Those who
will need very little time to come to terms with it, because
they are already fairly ok with the idea of homosexuality,
it is just a matter of coming to terms with ME being gay. If
they already suspected I was gay, they will be even quicker.
2) Those who will need more time, maybe months, maybe years,
but who will eventually come to terms with it. They won't
have thought much about homosexuality in any great detail
because it doesn't affect them. Once they get over that
hurdle, they will be ok with my homosexuality. 3) Those who
will not accept it. They won't be able to come to terms with
my homosexuality. BUT (and this is important) they love me
so much that although they either can't accept or disprove
of my homosexuality, they will continue to love and support
me. 4) Those who will not accept it, won't want to, and will
probably not speak to me much anymore.
Whichever group someone falls into, I really don't mind.
That's you. You are you and I am me. For either to pretend
would be unfair on us both. I hope this has been of some
help to someone. Stay true to yourself and your loved ones,
whether you (or they) are gay, straight, bisexual, trans,
martians, venusians, you get the idea. |
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