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Sometimes It's Easier To Live A Lie

by Anthony. U.S.A.

I am a 17 year old guy turning 18 this July. I am gay, or so I thought. Let me start from the beginning. I am a child of six. I have been raised by my parents in Idaho falls, ID my whole life. I am "the middle" child. I have 2 older brothers and two younger brothers. I also have a half sister who is a year older than me. I never really consider her to be my "half" but just my sister.

While I was growing up I always thought that my two younger brothers were too young to play with and I never got to do anything with my older brothers because I was never big enough. I always hated action figures which is what my younger brothers were doing and I hated football, what my older brothers were doing. The closest sibling I had to even talk to was my sister. Since I can remember, we have been best friends. We did everything together. we played barbies, told secrets, we grew to know each other inside and out. I don't think there was a place that we went by ourselves. I always loved to do things that she was doing, I admired her in every aspect.

My parents knew we were very close and loved to see us playing around the house. Fast forward to elementary school. This is when i started having a lot of girlfriends and not so many platonic friends that were boys. During recess the girls and I would chase the boys and make fun of them. I thought it was perfectly normal and so did everyone else. It wasn't until much later that the accusations started at school. I was always fond of the boys. In seventh grade I was in a computer class and infatuated over a boy who sat in front of me, his name was Salvador. He was the cutest person I had ever seen at the time.At this point I had not been introduced to homosexuality. I had no idea what it even was. I didn't think of myself as weird or abnormal. I felt content with myself.

I actually didn't have a complete definition of "gay" until high school
in the ninth grade. That is when I knew I was gay and I liked boys. I
then figured that I was different. I was somewhat of a loner. I walked the halls by myself and had one or two friends that I didn't talk to much. In fact almost nobody even knew who I was. I entered 10th grade in a new school with new people and teachers. I felt alone and by myself for the first time. I was not a sports fanatic like most guys and I didn't enjoy talking to any of the girls. The only friend I really had was my cousin and we didn't talk much.

My femininity was obvious to many and I was constantly a target of anger or just someone to make fun of. I kept everything inside and would go home and cry myself to sleep. I was lost and didn't know what to do. I had never been so alone. There was not a single person to talk to. My sister at the time was living in Iowa. We share the same father and so when her mother moved (which was frequent) so did she. The eleventh grade came and went with as much fun and joy and tenth.... none.

The summer of my junior year is when I came out to my friends. I was at work and I worked at a call center with 500 other people so I had made some friends. I started out with telling them first. Many were open minded and if anything.. loved me more. There were some that were unaccepting and cut off all communication with me.. but it was a few amount. The school year approached and it was time for me to tell my classmates. I had changed drastically over the summer and became a whole new person. I started many friendships and became well known.

I have grown to have very liberal views on the world and everything that surrounds me. I have had the best teachers who supported me the whole way. I came out to my mother about six months ago. Now my mother is a very conservative member of the church of Latter Day Saints-mormon. I was forced out to my mother by my older brother who read an email I had sent a friend not knowing that my brother knew the guy I sent the email to. My brother told my mother everything.

She came to me and asked me. I was straight with her and gave her the answer she was hoping to be untrue. Unfortuanately for her it wasn't. She ranted and screamed and yelled for days. She told me I would contract AIDS and die, she said it was immoral and that I would be sent to Hell for it. She said I was defying God and the church. To her I was wrong in everyway. She yelled for 2 weeks. She gave me the silent treatment for the next week after that.

My mother can be "not-so-nice", but every man's best friend is his
mother and I coudnt handle the fact that she wouldn't speak to me. it was hard. My older brother told me to tell her the lie she wanted to be true. She is one who will live in denial to be happy. She would live a lie if she could. She hates facing the truth or the "possible outcome" of anything. She wants life to go smooth and will choose to not look at the things she wants to be untrue. She wants everyone to be a perfect mormon and with that life will be great.

So after three weeks of hell I told her that I was just "going through a stage" and from then on, life at home has been great. At home I am living a lie. This year I am graduating from high school and moving to Portland, Oregon to attend a culinary arts school. I am glad to get away and become myself. I hope that then I can finally tell my mother the truth and let her come to terms with it on her own without feeling her rage. Thank you so much for your time.

Very truly yours,
Anthony. U.S.A.


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