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It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it
made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and
said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to
see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all
the way here and went to meet her at the nearby
seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying her red
umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and
she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh
rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.
I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't come see me
anymore," and stuff like how we shouldn't be together.
She said, "I miss you."
I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."
She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share
mine.
I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."
Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me
to the car. She said she hadn't eaten lunch or dinner and
asked if we could stop at some place to eat.
Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"
Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station,
she said she would take the train back home.
Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people
with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home,
not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited,
she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of
course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel
when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and
I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I
felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.
But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, "Let's go
try the other train station."
We were living in the same apartment building, on the same
floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along
well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and
sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I
didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only
girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of
college, having lived together for two years, we developed
deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went
back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school.
During that year I was only able to take the train down to
see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we
kept the treasured relationship.
We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front
of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken
spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her
rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into
thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road,
she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just
take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the
constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we
passed by the park where we use to always go.
She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little
while please, I promise I'll go home right after this."
With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up
an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting
on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to
the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew
she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver
ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said,
"Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was
drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always
remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She
was looking around for quite a while, then she came back
slowly with tears on her face.
She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."
I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing
into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But
all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we
go now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing
there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a
chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and that
other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but
I'll change, can't we start over?"
I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head.
After that we just kept on walking towards the train
station, didn't say a word to each other.
Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was
found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was
okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot
about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and
did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach
was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare
awakened me again. First I thought the pain would go away,
but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take
it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The
picture came out and there was a big black spot, which
proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at
the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an
end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through
the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But
I couldn't let people find out about my intentions,
especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole
world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Susan was
still young, she shouldn't have to go through this. So I
made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing
to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to
wipe out three years feelings. I didn't have much time,
because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find
out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama
would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come
to an end, that was what I had in mind.
The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We
were just standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments
in silence.
I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to
her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."
She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her
misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the
rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black,
so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and
she got in, then I close the gate that would separate me
from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark
window, at the first love in my life, also the last one,
walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the
street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in
my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after
the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see
her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell
her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had
already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down
my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not
because of the rain. I was cold inside.
She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even
until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they
were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But
I'm not Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my memory, and his
diary I found after one year since he left, writing down
these last words. |
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