This my story.
In 1973 we moved from the hills of eastern Kentucky back to
Louisville. I was glad to see that we were coming back home.
The years spent in the hills I didn't care to much for the
snobs I went to school with. The best part of Eastern
Kentucky was the fishing, you can have the rest. Anyway we
didn't move to Louisville, we moved to Shepherdsville. What
a one horse town. Sundown the place was dead. It was great
to live in a small town.
Well I was fond of the opposite sex. In fact I was perverted
even back then. I remember going over to one of my Mom and
Dad's friend house and I would sneak into the basement and I
found his stash of Playboys and Penthouses, I was in heaven.
I tore pictures out, but I really got into reading on how to
make Love to a woman. So with that I was ready if the
Well the first girl I liked was Katrina S. I met her in Art
class and she was cute as can be. I was nervous when I tried
to talk to her. I never did tell her how I felt because one
thing I was scared as hell. Plus nobody dates guys who are
fat. Yes I was a lardo. So I kept a lot of feelings to
myself. I wanted to say "Hey I like you." However I was a
big chicken. So I never expressed myself.
Then there was Treasa B. Oh was she good looking. She was a
pretty little girl with Braces. For some reason Braces seem
to turn me on. I guess it stems from the first girl I ever
kissed, Darlene W. You never forget your first kiss. I liked
Treasa a lot. Once she was sick and I felt so sorry for her,
so I wanted to send her some flowers. That what you do when
someone is sick. So I went to the local florist and told
them I wanted to buy flowers for a friend that was sick. The
suggested Yellow Roses! I said no not Yellow, she has Yellow
Jaundice. So I knew girls like roses so I sent a dozen red
roses, not thinking about the romantic aspect of sending red
roses. I hope I didn't send her the wrong message, even
though I liked her. I did take her out once, but it wasn't a
date. Just riding around having fun. I never told her how I
felt, still a big Chicken. I didn't want to get laughed at.
I got a part in the school play. I was the Rabbi in Fiddler
on the Roof. I loved being in the play. You know I am a ham
anyway. Well on night during practice I met and fell in love
with a girl that took my heart. She was beautiful. She had
long black hair and a face that when I looked at her I would
just die inside. She was the prettiest girl in high school
to me. She told me her name and I knew that she is the girl
for me. Her name was and is Timmie. Oh how that name would
turn me on. Her voice was like music and her smile would
drive me wild inside. I fell so madly in love with her. She
had my heart. We dated and we had fun. I had an old beat up
Ford Galaxie and it was a POS. However it serve us well. Oh
Timmie was all that I thought about. She was the greatest
cook I ever met. She used to make me cakes and let me tell
you, her cakes were to die for. Made from scratch. Oh how I
loved her cakes. I think I gained ten pounds with her. I was
so in Loved with her that I wasn't thinking about how to
make our relationship better. It was great to be with Timmie.
I think she got bored with me.
One day I was at work and she showed up with another. My
heart broke. It felt like I was kicked in the chest. Pain
filled me and I ran to back room and cried. I heard someone
call my name and I tried to straighten myself up as not to
look like I was crying. well then I knew that my love of my
life had found another. So I gave him her and let her go. I
remember the night she told me it was over. I left the farm
that night in tears. I still Loved her.
After losing Timmie, I wanted to find someone else to take
the pain away. I couldn't. My heart was set on Timmie. So I
just looked at other women as just there to fill a void.
Well I was unlucky at finding anyone and I was tired of
living in Kentucky. Jimmy Carter was president and the
country was a mess. No jobs and no hope for me. So I joined
the Navy. I wanted to escape from, family, rednecks, Bullitt
County and try to get over Timmie. I spent a longer time in
boot camp because I was a fat ass. They wanted me to get
into shape, ( I was a shape, pear shape, that's a shape
right?). So I was put into a group of other lardos and we
exercised daily.. I got to where I could run a mile in ten
minutes. Well then I finished boot camp and was returning
home for a visit. I wanted to fined Timmie but she wasn't
around. I was so bummed out that I couldn't see her. I
wanted to show off my new look. I was really disappointed
when the Navy assigned me to the USS Wabash. I couldn't
believe it. Here I was escaping the Kentuckian area and they
stick me on the Wabash. When I got to the ship, well I
wasn't impressed. It was in the ship yards getting a refit.
Turns out she was an oiler. Like a 7-11 on the high seas. We
delivered food, mail and fuel to the fleet. So I went
through some training on how to work on this ship.
Well I found myself in a bar close to the ship and I met
Sandy G. she reminded me a lot of Timmie. She was a Timmie's
replacement. So we dated and I asked her to marry me, but
when it came near to time to marry. I backed out. She wasn't
Timmie. So after her I just treated women as objects and
never really love them. Just gave them what they wanted and
really didn't respect them. After all they were sleeping
with me. I enjoyed the time I spent in the Navy. Many nights
out at sea I would look up into the night sky, see the
billions of stars and think about Timmie. I decided that I
had to get out and find her. I still loved Timmie. I said a
lot prayers and wished on many stars that one day I could
see her again. I wouldn't let my love for her die. I would
listen to Love songs and just think about Timmie and would
want to sing these songs. I did sing and still do and it's
always the same. I think of Timmie and I want to bust out in
a song. Of course no one could ever hear me, and you won't
either. I had my adventure when it came time to decide
rather to stay or go and I chose to leave the Navy for a few
reasons. One the Navy started letting women onboard ships.
Well I didn't want to be involved in that mess and I wanted
to return to Kentucky and find her. Where's Timmie?
Well I got out of the Navy quicker than I wanted. My dad
died while working on a church, so I was rushed out of the
service and went home to a funeral. I was numb at all that
was happening around me. When I got a chance to get to the
phone I called Timmie's number and her mom answered the
phone. I asked to speak to Timmie and her mom said she was
in Florida. My heart sank. I felt like I was hit in the
chest. I was so bummed. So I finally got a job at a rock
quarry and just started to party my life away. I hooked up
with some guys at work and I met Barbie.
Well I thought I would give this marriage thing a try. I
didn't really love Barbie, but I love her daughter Beth. So
we were married and started a family. Well it didn't work
out. She slept with another man and I had enough. I still
was in love with Timmie. I would often think of her, at work
I would sing to her and no one would know because you can't
hear over the compressor while I was drilling holes in the
rock. We divorce and I had the kids. Great me with three
kids and I felt all alone. I did have help and I was just
getting really depressed at this time. Plus my lungs were
getting worst. I got sick one day and I couldn't hardly move
because my back was killing me, then I saw a doctor who sent
me to another doctor and that's when I found out that my
lungs were in trouble, but I didn't listen. I still wanted
Timmie. By now Timmie was becoming a entity that I was
starting to put on a pedestal. So while going this period of
sickness, three kids and school, daycare and awful social
workers. I was going into deep depression and starting to
drink more than I really should of. I was drinking a six
pack a day and was even starting to knock down a few during
lunch. I was a mess. I wanted to escape again.
Well I knew that the way I was heading was not the road I
wanted to travel so I needed to find someone to love. I
wanted to find someone who I could love and that they would
love and I wanted find a girl that only I could love.
Someone that if another man looked at her they wouldn't even
think of taking her away from me. So I join this Plus Size
singles group. Well I found out that they met a pizza place
that has a buffet. How ironic is that? So I went to the
meetings and found myself with women that thought I was the
hottest thing that ever came close to them. I felt so
awkward when I found out that two of these women wanted me
bad. Not for a meaningful relationship but for a good time
in the sack. I wouldn't sleep with them, because I knew if I
did that I would be mark as theirs and that I wouldn't find
one that would love me for me and not for sex. I want more
than just a sexual relationship. Sex to me, in a
relationship is a bonus, I want more out of a relationship.
I met Eydie. She was cute. She had a very pretty face. She
looked so cute to me. I remember her with the bangs and a
ponytail. I thought about how cute she was. So I wanted to
date her. She seemed to like the fact I was single and I was
raising three kids on my own. We dated. So I asked her to
marry me and she said yes. I know she wasn't Timmie, but I
knew that Timmie was a pipe dream. Timmie was gone and I
needed to live my life and forget her. I just couldn't. I
did love Eydie, and to be honest I still do, to some degree.
I am sorry that I got sicker and I was always too sick to do
anything with her. So we had our problems. One was we never
talked. She was too busy talking to her mother and friends
and I felt that when we did talk it was always about how
wrong I am and not on what was the real problems. Well
during the 90's I was getting so depressed that I really was
giving up on life. I was ready to die. I felt less than a
man. I couldn't do the things I wanted to do. I couldn't
breathe. I couldn't take care of anything. I hated to have
people do things for me. I was useless. In 1996 we got a
computer. There I went and searched for Timmie. I went to
Classmates dot com and there I found out that little Timmie
Spencer was now Timmie Green. My depression grew. I looked
her up and the search results showed that Timmie Green lived
only thirty minutes away from me. Well I stalk this woman
for three days. I stopped the stalking because I got too
scared. I call her just to hear her voice. I quit because I
wasn't sure if it was really her. I knew I still Love Timmie,
I knew I loved Timmie more than Eydie.
Well in March 2005 I ended up in the hospital again on a
ventilator. There I told the staff I wanted a transplant.
Jewish hospital jumped at the chance. Well I had the Double
Lung transplant on Dec. 2 2005. However Eydie had found
another and she cheated on me. She wanted him and I was out.
Once they cheat on you, they aren't worth SH*T. They are not
to be trusted ever.
I was forced out of the house and I was homeless. Living in
the van. I had no place to go or anyone to help.
I went into total darkness depression. I was at the end that
I had a choice to make. Live or Die. It's a scary place to
be. To sit in the dark, your world, life has ended and your
left to decide if tomorrow is worth waking up for. That
night I almost ended my life. I debated if I was ever going
to take my med or just sit in my van and die. I looked at my
life and wonder what went wrong. I cried out for help. I
cried out for Timmie. I cried out and got no response. I was
in darkness. I was alone and nobody cared. I wanted to die.
So I prepared myself to die. I went and bought myself a case
of Budwiser. I was going to drive the van deep into the
woods and hide. Drink myself till I died. I wasn't going to
take my meds and just in three days I would be a bad memory.
Well I got the beer and I found a nice dark place to hide.
Now I have spent the week in the van and I was ready. I had
talked to myself till I couldn't talk any more. I was now
just crying. Drinking one after another. I looked at my
medicine and I was ready to pitch them out the window.
Then it hit me. Wait a minute, nobody is bitching at me.
Nobody is telling me about my tone, my voice or anything
else. I am not listening to a spoiled bitch telling me how
wrong I am. How I don't appreciate my new lungs. I realize
that I didn't lose my family. I lost a fat bitch. I don't
need her. She can have her illiterate alcoholic pill pushing
parasite. A man twenty years younger than her and he doesn't
even know how many kids he has or if he is even divorce. I
thought about was a dumbass she is. He doesn't love her,
everybody knows he is just using her. Hell he is going
around telling everyone how bad she is in bed, (I could of
told him that), and laughing at her behind her back! Then I
realize that I was happy that it was over. Hey I have a new
life and no whore wife is going to bring me down. So I
poured out the rest of the beer and went to start a new
life. The bad part was I would never have the relationship
with my son again. So I divorce her slutty ass. Sure I was
screwed in the divorce, it was me against her and her
parents. I was done dirty, but that's ok. I am free of the
them and their bullshit.
So I lived with my mom for a few months and they got tired
of me because going through a divorce is hard to deal with,
especially when they wouldn't let talk to my son. So I got
an apartment and a job and I was feeling good about myself.
Well I was once again seeking a friend. I don't like being
alone. I like to have someone next to me. I want to feel a
warm body next to mine. I want to reach out at night and
hold someone next to me. So I join the dating web sites. I
met on girl, holy shit what a face. We talked, but damn she
had a face that looked someone farted. Well she was good
therapy. She let me vent and was great at helping get my
life straighten out. Well I joined Match.com.
I met Jo. What can I say about Jo. Jo is one special woman.
She works so hard and is so unappreciated for all she does.
I am very fond Jo . I love Jo. She is a perfect fit for me.
She has helped me , mentally. She knows me and knows that I
am still not completely over my divorce. Jo has a sense of
humor that she know how to make me laugh. I can't say enough
about Jo because she such a wonderful person. However we
kinda grew apart. February 2010, I get a friend request on
facebook. My heart jumps! It's from little Timmie Spencer!
Oh can it be her? I accepted! Oh can this be real? I have so
much I want to say to her, but now I am scared to say
anything because I don't want to lose her again. So we did
small talk. I didn't want to screw this up. Sadly her mother
wasn't doing well and she had to fly back the Kentucky. She
gave me her phone number. I was giddy, I was excited. So I
called her and she was at the airport in Atlanta. I sounded
like a moron when I spoke to her. After we hung up, I yelled
what an idiot I sounded like. . I called her because I
wanted to ask her out for dinner and she said that she was
going to her brothers and I asked if I could call her later
and she yes. I called her back and then I asked her if I
could take her out for dinner. Oh I was ten feet tall. I got
in my car and told Vicky, ( my cars name), we are going to
see the Love of my life. I got to Mt. Washington and stopped
to buy a dozen roses and on I went to see the woman that I
have carried a torch for , for thirty five years. When I got
there I was greeted by Erin and I hid the roses behind my
back as I stepped in the door. There she was, Timmie. After
all these years. Still the prettiest girl in school. My
heart jumped. I felt a tingle... I handed her the flowers
and wrapped my arms around her and told her, "I let you go
once, I will not let you go again". I didn't want to let her
go. All these years I prayed and dreamed of holding her in
my arms again. Now here she is, in my arms. The tiny flame
in my heart that smoldered for years, now was a raging
bonfire in my heart. My love was back in my arms and I
wanted to keep her forever. So when we were alone I told her
the truth. I have loved you for thirty five years and I will
never stop loving you. I love Timmie . It's a love that's
hard to explain, but I am so happy and I feel my whole life
is complete. I will always love Timmie, even if we... I
don't want to think of that. I don't want to lose the girl
who I have always loved leaving me again. I wouldn't want to
live without her. The hardest thing for me to do was to be
honest. Be honest to Jo. I didn't want to hurt Jo. I knew
deep down I had to. I love Jo, but not the way I love Timmie.
So I told Jo the truth. I know it hurt her really bad and
feel like a heel. Hell I feel scum. I know what's it's like
to be hurt and I didn't want to hurt her. I love Timmie and
I had to tell her.
I do love Timmie and everyday I tell her how much I love
her. Everyday I tell her how beautirful she is. She is the
Love of my life. She is the woman that I want to spend the
rest of my life with. She is my everything. I love to sing
love songs to her and express my love to her. I just hope I
can make her as happy as I am. She is my one and only, I
couldn't live without her. I hope that we can become one. I
have a fear of her saying NO, if I ask her the big question.
For 35 years I have Loved this woman, I hope to love her for
35 more years.