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Love in life has not treated me well recently. I am
currently a college student and my boyfriend dumped me about
a month and a half ago. We had been dating for almost five
years (all of high school) and we had been living together
for almost a year. Everything was perfectly fine. We would
talk about getting married and having kids and all of our
lives together. Then one day, out of the blue, he dumped me.
He claimed that he had not been happy with me for several
months, although I doubted this as we seemed to be really
happy. I could deal with that though. What I couldn't deal
with was when I found out the real reason he left me a few
days later.
He had met another girl at work and left me to be with her.
They had been talking about it during the week before he
left me. I found a note that was laying in our apartment
from her (I had not yet moved out). She talked about what an
idiot I was and how she agrees that he should be with her.
After we broke up, he had sworn up and down that he wasn't
interested in her and that's not why he left me. But he
lied.
I didn't understand how he could so easily throw me away and
forget me after five years, and I still don't. I don't
understand how he can not care about how badly it hurt me
and well, just not care in general.
I lost my faith in love. The thought of going out and
finding someone else really terrifies me, and I don't really
believe in any truly love anymore anyway. The only place
I've ever seen it is in movies and books. I thought I had
it, but I was wrong.
It hurts so bad to think of him moving on with her. Of him
being with her. While I feel like I've done a good job of
dealing with it, I'm still so angry. I don't miss him
anymore, nor do I love him or ever want him back. But I am
so overwhelmingly angry and I don't know how to express it,
to get it out. I wish that I could confront him about how
much he hurt me, but I know he wouldn't care and that would
just hurt me all over again. I truly feel hate when I think
of him, and I don't like that feeling. I try to be a very
nice and happy person, but now it feels like I have a big
black hole inside me, consuming me.
I've never felt any sort of anger or hatred to this degree,
and I am looking for a good source for it. If I could find a
way to deal with that, I would be okay. But I haven't found
that yet. If you ask me, love is a joke and not to be
trusted. I would love to believe differently, as I used to
be a hopeless romantic, but I just can't.
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