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We have grown apart so much these past few years. I thought
when we split apart at the beginning of the year, a change
was going to happen, but it didn’t. We got back together
only after three months and basically picked up where we
left off. Nothing changed at all. Okay, so you say that
incident that happened with, need I not say her name, wasn’t
supposed to happen, but maybe she was placed into my path to
actually see how much of an ***hole you really are. I felt I
got back with you on my terms, but to this day I don’t know
why I really did get back with you.
My heart burns to know that the light we once inflamed,
together, is disintegrating. My soul empties to feel like,
us is just a term abbreviated to lesser standards. Love
feels like a relevant term. Just knowing you, I’m afraid to
know what real love feels like. I realize that it comes in
different “packaging,” but if love comes with your type of
“postage,” then I don’t want to feel love. My soul yearns
for that young man I once fell in love with, but will never
happen. What you and I had a once upon a time was so poetic
and just. It almost felt like the greatest love tragedy of
all, Romeo and Juliet. You were my Romeo and I was your
Juliet. If you ever get the time, I encourage you to read
that story. It really does feel like us, from beginning to
end.
Is love really tender? I think it’s too rough, too rude, too
rowdy, and it pricks like a thorn. You were the type I
shunned completely; for the idea of being with someone like
you jolted me. “Love is a monster for making me fall in love
with my worst enemy.” The love we had was much like
lightning which flashes and then disappears before you can
say “it’s lightning.” Strands of old tears still stain my
cheek from the many promised promises, many given, but never
kept, always broken. The sun hasn’t melted away the fog I
made with all my sighs. Sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder
that you were too much acting like you were in love without
really knowing what love means. I’ve heard people say that
sudden joys have sudden endings. They burn up in victory
like fire and gunpowder. When they meet, as in a kiss, they
explode. “We should have loved each other in moderation.” I
think that was the key to our “long-lasting love.” (Too fast
is as bad as too slow).
When someone does the smallest thing to make you angry, you
get angry. And when you’re in the mood to get angry, you
find something to get angry about. Just the thought of her
being alone with you at the home you got to “show me the
‘adult’ in you” weighs on my memory like sins linger in
guilty minds. Maybe pain likes to have company and can’t
come without bringing more pain. No words can and never will
express the true pain I feel inside that night I looked into
your eyes and realized…this is the beginning of the end. I
feel whatever was left of you, you had given utterly and
selfishly to her and I was left with none. All the wounds
you cast upon me is being washed out with hot, salty
tears…my tears; And, it burns horribly to the depths of my
soul. How could you? I thought we said to the end? I guess
that was the end. I kept you warm when you were cold. I kept
you fed when your stomach drew of hunger. I was once the
girl you ran to when there were no one else. Have, or did,
you lose sight of that?
You were blinded by your distasteful desires…I spit on your
pity. That night, I died. We died. My soul was doomed for
banishment from my body. Banishment is death by the wrong
name. Calling death banishment is like cutting my head off
and smiling with I’m being murdered. You…you played the part
of my executioner. Damned souls use the word banishment to
describe hell. Maybe we’re just getting a sense of what our
hell is to be like in the afterlife. We’re both tainted from
our past adversities, of one another’s adversities. Life is
the union of soul in body through the miracle of birth, but
you would throw all that away. You bring shame to your body,
your love, your mind. You have so much natural talent, but
like someone who values money-not your body, not your love,
not your mind. Your body is just a wax figure, without the
honor of a man. The love that you promised me was just a
hollow lie. All these troubles have given us stories to tell
each other, these despicable stories.
I always hoped
that one day you would was me out of the grave you sent me
to with your tears. A little bit of grief shows a lot of
love. But too much grief makes you look stupid. Every time I
was with you, I would gaze into your eyes and just witnessed
all this infidelity you had, whether it is with your
inability with drugs, your many women, or just outright
lies! Our love was like the blissful aroma of a rose. Our
love was rose, so beautiful and pure, lovely to the eye, yet
horrible to the scent. You say that your “so-called friends”
think I’m mean; well, that’s nothing compared to the monster
my “so-called” friends came to see that you created.
I loathe you.
I carried your child, your only begotten son, in my womb and
yet you still deny to this day. You see him, and you see
someone else. I’d much rather you’d say nothing at all than
someone else. In the sights of my soar eyes, my daughter
seems to loathe you, also. She doesn’t know what to make of
this sometimes. But yet, when I see my daughter and son
having the time of their lives playing with a basket
attached with a string, I can’t help but to look over at you
and wonder if we’re having the same joys of contentment and
happiness. That is where I want to stay ever more; though
that is very obsolete.
You say you want the love your parents have, and so I ask
you what exactly is that? Could it be the way your dad
resents your mom from time to time? Could it be that your
dad wasn’t a strong enough man to be the rock for his
family? Or could it be that he never truly taught the morals
and values of life to his three sons? I ask only what
exactly kind of love you would like to bestow? If it
involves pain, discomfort, and tension, then blind fold me
and push into on-coming traffic because that’s exactly what
I feel.
I surrender;
you win!! Now what? More pain, more tears…do you care? At
all? I’ve lost control and sometimes wonder where I am. What
am I doing here? How did I get here? And mostly, why am I
still here? I always feel like I’m a nervous wreck when I’m
with you; even without. All these mixtures of feelings; is
it love? What is love? How does it feel? And ultimately, how
does one know if there in love? Love is friendship set on
fire, and we sure set this thing a blaze. But as a flame
does; it must die out, turns with dust, and eventually gone
with the wind.
Oh, my love!
How I long for the compassion…the tenderness. I wish I had
wings to fly away from here. My children would be that wind
taking a brethren upon my feathers as I soar through the
sky. And you…you would be my wings, coming…helping to whisk
me away as I take that last leap into the air, but my wings
have failed me…you have failed me. Why must this untimely
humiliation go on? Why couldn’t the world just end three
years ago when “our world” was so pure and just? I guess
that’s where our enjoyment ended. It was doomed from the
beginning, and like all good things, it must come to an end;
just like every other story has a sad ending. At least we
can say that this roller coaster was invigorating, but
still…has to come to an end.
My family is
filled with screw-ups and break-ups. Now I can say that we
fit right into the “clan.” I had fun while it lasted. We had
some times, huh? I’ve realized that after doing my best to
hold a grudge—something I’ve never been good at—a peaceful
wave washes me away from it, even if a friend did something
that feels like absolute treason to me. I wake up feeling
compassionate, and ready, finally, perhaps to accept your
apology. Still, while forgiving is a good idea, it’ll be
quite difficult to forget.
That, my
friend, my love, is called wisdom, and it comes with
experience. So, as our trials and tribulations come to an
understanding, we will know how this experience, we’ve lived
together, came to pass; we will always recall this point in
our lives as the idea of Love and Hate, Hate in Love: A
Poetic Just.
My heart will always remain with you, my friend!!
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