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I've always known that I was different from other boys. It
started at a young age perhaps at age 6.
I've always been told that I was different to other boys but
these
comments came across as more of a criticism rather than an
acknowledgment. From a young age I was in love with barbies
and dress up in womens' clothing. I simply love all feminine
things-anything I see as pretty I latched onto it.
I remember seeing hot guys in music videos in the late 80s
but I never assumed or thought of myself as gay...just
different I guess.
In 1997 I found myself having these attractions to males
which was
confusing because previously I had loved girls, they were
the gender
that turned me on...now this sudden change, I didn’t know
what to make out of all this. I felt a range of emotions;
anger, disgust, self
loathing, confusion and I felt scared and lost. I wanted to
tell someone but I was too young back then.
I thought I was being "naughty" in having these attractions.
It wasn’t so much in the attraction, but it was what I was
attracted to that was the problem. I felt scared of people
hating me, treating me differently and perhaps not being
nice to me anymore if I told them I was gay.
My self loathing went on for 3 yrs until in 2000 I felt
tired of hating
and beating myself over something that I had no control over
so I just accepted that I was gay. Then in 2002 I came out
to my parents and told them the sad news. They refused to
believe it. They thought I was trying to get more attention
out of them .
Later they reckon I was confused, or that I read too much
books and that it has brainwashed me. But when after all the
yelling and tears and dramas in the house, they finally
believed me but my father said I had to be straight or he'll
disown me and that I'll be kicked out.
I have no choice. I was still going to school, and I had no
money to
rent a room so to speak so I just agreed to be straight-a
lie of course but what can I do?
I have no job , not enough friends let alone have any money
so I needed to lie just so that I can have a ongoing roof
above my head.
Maybe I'll move out one day once I have a job. But for now
I’m eating food in his house, living in his home, so I'll
have to obey his rules. Sad but true. That's the beauty of
life. (lols!)
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