Letters to Suzanne
It was long ago. I was working at a restaurant. I was
eighteen. There I met a beautiful young lady. She was
shorter than me, but at six foot four most people are. She
had dark brown hair and wonderful green eyes. Her smile made
me weak. I would have done anything for her.
It was almost Christmas and the decorations were going up.
As someone put up the mistletoe the girls started talking
about getting the guys underneath the mystic sprig. As I
walked by, I heard a sexy voice say, "I want to kiss Tim."
I stopped. Had I heard right! Suzanne wanted to kiss ... ME!
My heart stopped. I slowly turned to see her take the last
step toward the mistletoe. I stuttered sheepishly,
"M-M-Me?!?" She slowly nodded. I was shaking, but stepped to
her. She reached up. I couldn't help myself, I put my arms
around her and our lips met. I never wanted to let go. I
fell for her then and there. She is the only woman I have
ever known that said that she wanted to kiss me.
We "dated" a few times. I was a kid I sucked at dating,
still do! She was staying with friends and I would go over
to see her after I got off work, late.
Then came the night that I would screw up and regret the
rest of my life. I got there late, as usual. She was
sleeping on the couch in front of the fireplace. I looked
down at her. Her face was glowing with the light from the
fire, her hair was soft and gently tossed. She was wearing a
long grey nightshirt, T-shirt type, and not much else. She
looked so beautiful. I had never seen anyone so angelic in
my life. I got down on my knees and gently kissed her lips.
She woke and pulled me closer. We kissed for what seemed my
entire life. She had me, I would stay with her forever.
Then it happened. She moved my hand under her shirt. My head
was spinning, what was I doing? I cupped one of her perfect
breasts. I felt warm and wonderful. Fear suddenly hit me. I
didn't know what I was doing, what if I did it wrong! What
if this isn't what she wanted?! I found myself pulling away!
"What's wrong?" she said.
"I, I have to go." I blurted out.
"I was hoping you'd stay tonight.", her voice obviously
"I really need to go." and I turned and left.
I was so stupid, I stopped because I didn't want to do
something wrong and blow it between us but that's exactly
what I did by leaving. We didn't see each other again for
many years. I got married and we had two kids. My wife left
me. I married again. We had three kids. So after number 5
for me I decided to get "the cable disconnected." I went and
had a vasectomy. No need to go into that but a week later I
went back to have it "checked", you know, get a count.
Anyway I walked into the doctors office with my "sample". I
stood there waiting for someone to notice me. That's when I
heard, "Hi, Tim."
I knew the voice! It was her! I was so startled and so
embarrassed by the reason for my visit, that I made a fool
out of myself. I said, "Hey, … Suzanne, right?" I knew
perfectly well who she was. I had seen that face in my
dreams at least once a week for the last 22 years. I
couldn't bring myself to look at her ring finger. I wanted
to jump the counter and just hold her again.
Instead, I handed her the sample and said I'd see her later
and left, ... again. If life weren't cruel enough at this
point, I am now going through another divorce and Suzanne is
still in my mind. I have walked away from the most beautiful
woman I've ever known twice. I cry, ... I cry in my heart.
Oh, that she should read this and understand. I long for
some mistletoe, now. I started writing to Suzanne a few
months after I left her in front of the fireplace. I have
written to her for 27 years and never mailed any of the 289
letters. I then put the letters into a book, I hope she
would find to be … a love story. I sat on the book for a few
weeks wondering if I should try to find Suzanne or just make
up an ending. Jack, my eighteen year old talked me into
getting the book to her. Now how do I find her? I knew where
she worked five years ago. Maybe someone there knew where
she was now. I printed out the book and the following
I have been needing to tell you I’m sorry for a long time. I
am so bad at verbal encounters, (my brain goes blank), as
you well know by now, that I have taken to writing things
down, when they are important to me. I had a dream about you
a few weeks ago and I was unable to tell you how sorry I was
in the dream before fate cruelly woke me. I hurt so bad that
I … well, I am sending you the result. I am taking a chance
and sending this here in hopes that you still work here or
at least someone knows where you are. This is the only
printed copy. You may do with it as you see fit. I would
understand if you didn’t even want to read it. There are
twenty seven years in here and I now give them to you. The
book is not finished, it lacks one letter, the one which I
cannot write. If nothing else, I hope the book at least
gives you some answers. In closing, I would like to let you
know I am still married for a short time more, so even if
you did want to talk, an occasional email is all I could do
right now. I am again so sorry for that night, for twenty
seven years of not knowing and for the frozen brain I get
every time I see you.
Seeming to be eternally waiting,
Jack said he would take it up to the office. I had no idea
if it was a good idea or not. So, on my first break the next
day. I called the Dr.’s office. I dialed the phone, shaking
like a leaf! Here was the plan. Ask who ever answered the
phone if they knew Suzanne. Why do things never work out the
way you plan? You got it, She answered the phone! I am not
altogether sure I didn’t say’ “Oh, sh**!” out loud. The
conversation was, to say the least, interesting. She was,
I’m sure, taken aback by my call. My voice was auditable
quivering. I don’t remember much of the falderal that came
pouring out but I know I said, “My son is bringing you an
envelope today. In it is my explanations, my apologies and
my life. I know I have no right to ask you for anything but
please, please read it.”
She paused and ask, (also in a shaky voice), “Are you
alright?” I told her my son would explain and I had to get
back to work. I called Jack and told him what I did. Still
shaking I told him everything I forgot to tell her, Like,
you might not want your husband to read this if you have
one. I told him she probably thinks I am dying. Jack called
me as he was leaving. “You were right, she thought you were
dying, I explained everything. She is still very pretty and
is married. She has two kids and one grand-daughter.” There
is more of this later, but for now, … She has the book! If I
accomplish nothing else out of this book Idea, Suzanne
knows!!! I waited a week without any word. Then … an e-mail!
Suzanne and I began e-mailing each other and have moved to
phone calls. We even see each other once in a while. I have
ask her if I may call her Annie since everyone else calls
her Suzy. We are both going through a divorce. Annie and I
talk all the time now, both on the phone and in person. I
have ceased writing letters and opted for the notes and
verbal communiqué However, Suzanne has taken up where I left
off and is writing letters to me almost daily. She will
never know all that she has done for me. We are talking
almost everyday, now. She is so funny and so bright, I just
hate to end our talks, but they do all end with a pair of “I
love you’s. I never could have wished for as much. She has
become a dream come true to me. She has held my heart for
nearly my entire adult life and now not only knows that fact
but apparently shares the same feelings.
My friends and co-workers tell me this is like a movie or
fairy tail but it is a true and honest love story. My life,
whether it has been before or not, is most definitely,
without a doubt, thanks to her, … a heartfelt, never-ending
Love Story. I look forward to many, many more chapters in
our love story. We have endured the passage of time, apart,
but it is my hope and desire that she chooses to spend the
rest of my days as my co-author, my partner and my love.
Annie and I have shared our love for each other almost 30
years. We have moved through time apart but seemingly in the
same direction and toward the same goal. I have longed for
this day. I went to see her at work, her best friend knew I
was coming but Suzanne didn’t.
I walked in her eyes lit up. “Can I talk to you.”
“Sure, what’s up?’
“Can I get you to come out here? I’ll just take a minute.”
She walked around the corner and out into the lobby. “Okay,
“Please, sit down.” Her eyes now wide, worried about what I
had to say.
“Suzanne, you and I have been together all of our lives. I
know not physically, but you have been in my head and in my
heart and in my soul every minute of every day for as long
as I can remember. You are my inspiration, my adventure, my
effervescence and my smile.” “Annie, my love, … will you
marry me?” Tears ran down her face as she through her arms
around me and whispered, “Yes, always and forever.”
May God bless all of you as I have been blessed. Love is
like energy, it cannot be created nor destroyed, it only
changes form. When God put Suzanne and I together it was to
be forever, … I think He meant it. He is, after all, always
… And they lived happily ever after.