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The past few
days I have done a lot of soul searching. I am seated on
American Airlines flight 234 headed to Miami for a seven day
cruise and what’s suppose to be lots of rest and relaxation
with the man who I have always thought of as my lifetime.
Funny, how events in your life will alter the way you feel
about life and everyone in it. From day to day, hour to
hour, and minute to minute your life, feelings, and actions
are constantly changing. Normally, I would be blissfully
happy because we are together but today I am totally
disgusted and nothing about my mood is pleasant. I bet he
noticed it from the time I arrived in NY. I guess that is
why he made no attempts at making love to me last night. His
behavior is not like I remembered. Maybe he is just reacting
to me. In any case at this point in my life I really don’t
care. I am tired of short-changing myself. At this very
moment I have made the decision to end things with him. I’m
tired of always coming up short with him. I will just wait
for the right time to tell him. Ten years is more than
enough time to know what you want.
The plane touched down, we retrieved our bags and caught a
cab to the Ship. It felt like days before we reached our
cabin and had a minute to relax. My heart was pounding so
hard. My head was aching from the thoughts of everything
that had happen to me this year and my soul was ready to
give up. Another blow to my existence would destroy me. Now
was the time to put all the cards on the table. “Dawson, we
need to talk.” “Good, I was waiting for you to let me know
what was going on with you. I understand you suffered a
terrible lost this year but you really need to try and get
yourself together and enjoy the rest of your life. You need
to move on with your life Harlem.” My initial laugh was a
slight chuckle but for some reason after repeating his
comment in my head I began to laugh hysterically. “I know
you are not telling me to move on with my life. Isn’t that
the pot calling the kettle black? I guess if I was moving on
with my life I wouldn’t be here with you. You got your
nerve. I am so tired of playing with you.” He looked shock.
“Harlem, what did I do to you? Why are you so angry with me?
I know things haven’t been easy for you but I refuse to let
you take it out on me. I am here to have a good time and I
hope you are not going to ruin that.” I turned to look at
him and for the first time he looked like all the other
sorry men whose impacted my life in such a negative way. Men
have always let me down from day one. Never could I remember
being showed any kind of affection by my father. My first
marriage was affectionless and I spend eight years trying to
mother my second husband. Nothing ever seems to go right for
me. My last marriage was my one and only shot at getting
everything I wanted. My husband was as good as a man could
get. In him I had it all; my father, my protector, and my
soul mate. Finally I got my piece of the pie but once again
life pulled the rug from under me. Took me to the highest
mountain, promised me the world, walked me to the edge,
allowed me to admire the beautiful view, and then without
warning pushed me over. Life to me had become the enemy. The
edge was a distant memory for me. I had departed from it so
long ago. Why hadn’t anyone noticed? Now I’m here with him
and he’s attempting to walk me to yet another cliff. Well,
little does Dawson know, cliffs don’t scare me anymore. So
much of my life was wasted holding on to something that
would never exist with him. I’ve always wanted something
from him that he never intended to give me.
This was the perfect moment to get everything out. No holds
barred. “Dawson, let’s just be honest. You never wanted to
give me everything, did you? You just wanted to continue to
have your cake and eat it too. Well, let me be the first to
tell you that life is not designed for any of us to have it
all without compromising. I can’t believe how stupid I have
been. Ten years! Ten wasted years! I can’t do this any
longer. This is not even worth it anymore. I know what it
feels like to have a man love me whole heartedly and Dawson
you have never made me feel that way. As a matter of fact I
don’t think you even came close.” Again he looked shocked.
He looked crushed. I was on a roll so I needed to continue.
“Yes, the sex has always been great. The dinners, the
vacations, the calls, the excitement, everything was great
but it’s not enough. It was never enough. I hate knowing
being with you is always temporary. This vacation for Christ
sake is seven days and seven days only. Then what am I
suppose to do? Go back to my life and continue to wait for
you. I hate that I don’t know anything about your personal
life. We have known each other so long but you keep that
part of you private. I guess I have never been or will ever
be the one for you.”
He looked hurt by what I said and what he said next left
nothing else to discuss. “Harlem, from day one I have always
been there for you. I met you while you were still in love
with your first husband. I stood by and gave you everything
you asked of me and asked for nothing in return. I have
feelings and I hurt too. I never pressured you or gave you
any ultimatums. I just played it cool and hoped one day I
would have a chance with you. Then you left the country,
married another guy and had a child. Yes, I was happy for
you because you seemed happy but it hurt my heart. I had no
choice but to move on with my life because that is what you
did. When things with you and him was over you was strong in
my life again but you always kept your options open. You
never acted as if you wanted any more than what we shared. I
admit I was scared and I didn’t want to play myself and get
my feeling hurt by you again so I never pressed any issues.
As soon as I started allowing myself to get into you again
you, well you know what you did. Now because of how things
worked out for you all of a sudden I am number one guy
again. Well Harlem I don’t like being second best either.
You are here, there, and everywhere and I don’t know where I
fit. Your world is so crazy and changes from day to day it
would wear me out anyway. I just wanted to come out here and
have a good time and that is exactly what I am going to do.
If you want to sit here and feel sorry for yourself be my
guest but I am going to enjoy myself. I will see you later.”
He left the cabin and I heard the horns blowing and the ship
began to move. My head was hurting so bad, my heart was
pounding a million miles a minute, I was sweating profusely,
I was shaking uncontrollably, and tears was running down my
face. I wanted the pain to stop. I never wanted anything so
badly in my life. My sprit had left the cabin with him. He
said a lot but never did he say what I wanted to hear.
Simple words could have made all the difference. He was the
one person who had the power to change the loneliness I was
feeling. Why couldn’t he just say what I needed to hear? The
walls were closing in on me. My thinking was distorted but I
knew the pain I felt needed to end. Dawson has never asked
for more than what we shared. He never would because for
some unspoken reason I wasn’t worthy to him. I opened the
door and walked out of the cabin. I needed to end all the
pain once and for all. I wanted out and I begged God to
accept me with open arms. This life had gotten the best of
me and I had lost the will to live. I passed so many happy
people. Couples were hugging, kissing, throwing confetti
overboard, and laughing. Everyone looked like they were
having tons and tons of fun. I couldn’t remember the last
time I felt that way. Even if I did it was always so brief.
I was so tired. Everyone was having so much fun they hadn’t
even noticed the devastated state I was in. No one stopped
me or asked if I needed any help. It felt like I was
invisible. I searched and searched for the perfect spot. I
decided to go to the top deck because it was less crowded
and it was up high. I figured the closer I was to God the
faster I would get home once it was all over. In an instant
like a call being disconnected and a dial tone sounding in
my ears my mind was made up. I knew exactly what I had to
do. I started feeling so happy. All my problems would soon
be a thing of the past. Now I was smiling and laughing and
happy like everyone else. They were happy but I was
experiencing another level of joy because I knew something
they didn’t. I figured out how to end the pain once and for
all. I felt like I had discovered the cure for cancer. When
I reached the top deck it looked deserted. I thanked God for
clearing it out for me. He was making sure nothing prevented
me from coming home. I really felt confident by now that I
was doing the right thing. He was reassuring me that it was
ok. These were all signs and I knew it.
The perfect spot appeared out of nowhere. Again I thank God.
There was emergency box mounted besides the railing of the
back end of the ship. It would be easy for me to climb up
and over the railing, thanks to the box. I took one last
look around and noticed no one around me. There were people
scattered on the top deck but even if they reacted it would
be too late. In a few minutes I would be home watching from
up above ‘pain free’. As I climbed over the rail I repeated
the words I had heard before, “Please have mercy on my
soul.” Just as I jumped, I caught sight of Dawson running
towards me. The fall just about took my breath but there was
no denying the pain of hitting the freezing cold water. I
never learned how to swim so I knew once I started to sink
it was just a matter of seconds before I would be reunited
with my maker. As I began to sink thoughts of my kids began
to flood my head. I could see them crying and hurting. I
thought, “Oh my god what have I done!” The entire time I was
contemplating ending my life I hadn’t thought of my kids and
how my actions were going to affect them. I remember holding
each one of them in my arms at birth, their first steps,
first day of school, first hugs, first kisses and the first
time they said mommy. I began to panic because I knew I was
wrong in wanting to leave them behind. I wanted to live but
I knew it was too late. I was drowning and I knew it. I was
sinking and with every second I was loosing control of my
mind, body, and soul. The water was suffocating me and I was
fading fast. I wondered what made me do such a crazy thing.
How had I ended up in such a hopeless state of confusion?
Why did I allow a man to push me over the edge like this? I
wanted to live but it was crystal clear that it was too
late. I pleaded for God to help me out of this helpless
situation. Thoughts of the events leading up to this awful
decision to self-destruct consumed my mind. What a
difference one year can make. In one year I have become
completely disconnected from reality. |
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