I was daydreaming, staring blankly at the stage during
school assembly. I could feel a pair of eyes looking at me,
I snapped out of my daydreams and met the eyes of a guy
sitting in front of me. I probed into his gaze, although it
was just a brief few seconds before his friend called him
and he turned his head back to talk with his company of
friends again, I could feel my rapid heartbeats and a blush
came over my face, reddened my cheeks.
That was how I noticed his presence and he, mine.
I did not make a great deal out of it until I found myself
looking forward to school, hoping we would walk pass each
other again or even catch a glimpse of him(our classrooms
were just beside each other) and eventually started to think
about him a lot, sometimes fantasizing the scenerio where we
would at least talk to each other and imagined with absurb
persistence that we were dating and got married. I could
have crushed the sprout of liking, but I did not.
Often, when we were in each other presence, I would feel his
eyes. If lucky, I would catch him looking at me and he
would, after few moments, cut off our eye contact. There was
even once when my friend pointed him out, asking if I know
him because she thought he knew me and looked like he got
something to say to me. Sometimes, I could see his friends
nudging him when I walked past. Etc..Signs began to show,
but I'm afraid that I had misinterpreted the signals so I
never tell anyone about this(maybe they would laugh at me
too as he is good-looking whereas I'm...ordinary). I have
low self-esteem issues since young, perhaps it was this
reason that I had never let go of him, because the chances
of him liking me is the same maybe even higher than the
chances of him treating me as another person passing by in
Besides, I had never met someone who can make me feel
beautiful with a gaze. I kept a lot of secrets and feelings
to myself, but when he looked at me, I felt like im naked.
I'm a tomboy, but he was the first person that I wanted to
wear dresses for. I read storybooks, I always laughed
whenever an author wrote something that went along like
this: Although we are strangers, I felt a connection
somewhere with him. It like as if we have known each other.
Now I comprehend that feeling. It's indescribable, and I
felt sad because I did not dare to approach him. I do not
know how to change our status from strangers to friends. And
after graduation at the end of the year, I would not see him
again. He never approach either, so we continued this little
game of "mind-reading".
Tears were one of my companions. I wrote a love letter,
hoping I would bump into him at the streets where we would
walk every morning to school, at the shopping mall where we
would loiter with our own groups of friends after school and
I would muster the courage to confess... I even wrote short
messages to him almost everyday despite knowing he would not
see them. Slowly, all the longing and liking for him turned
from happiness to sorrow. I tried to avoid things that would
make me remind of him. I hate the pain of knowing I could
never get what I wanted to say across to him. I hate having
dreams that had him inside with love being the main theme
and we were an item. I hate the emptiness upon waking up to
find that the one I desired most would never...Anyway, it
was a tough year. I went to a new school and even though
there are tons of attractive young men, none interest me. In
the love aspect of my life, I could only wallow in regret
and self-pity. My close friends called me naive, stupid,
fool, when I revealed this secret I kept inside me. I even
said he probably is the only person I carried in my heart
for the rest of my life.
Spenting the whole of last year trying to get over him,
slowly his face began to fade from my memory. However, it
was like my heart had died. The pain had numbed my heart. He
was the first guy I like. All this hurt I put on myself
warned me to be cautious on one-sided love and vowed not to
be the first to have feelings for anyone. He created
facebook recently, and I browse through it. Looks like I
have to really move on from the confine of the past. I cried
while looking at his photos, appreciating him inside, and
how much I miss him. I wondered if he is happy with his life
now. I wondered if he is sad like I do after the graduation
I don't know what my future holds for me, if there is a
divine intervention. Will there come a day where someone is
able to spark the fire in my heart again?
Maybe the future me would think the past me is foolish and
treated this whole thing as a memory to remember, not
escaping from it, trying to erase it from my mind.
I did not expected him, not to mention falling in love with
him and accompanied with so much struggles of getting over
Who knows, maybe my prince charming would also turn up
unexpectedly one of the days(much to how I hated to admit,
but admist the dead garden in my heart, there's still this
yearning which I hoped it would be fulfilled to bring warmth
and bloomed my heart with flowers), a person who loves me
and I love without having regrets.
I'm waiting for this beautiful surprise.