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One definition of a difficult person is a person that
doesn't do things your way.
Going by that definition I am a difficult person.
My wife is the strong silent type. When we have a problem
she goes off into her cave and doesn't come out till she
knows what she wants, and more importantly, what she wants
me to do.
I'm just the opposite.
The first words out of my mouth use to be "we need to talk."
Then I would foolishly expect her to sit down with me and
tell me her feelings and listen to my feelings and together
work on a mutual solution that would take into account both
our feelings.
I know. I'm terrible. Expecting my wife to share her
feelings. Expecting her to listen to mine. Expecting us
together to come up with a solution that takes both our
feelings into account.
When I tried to make her do it my way, I always ended up
having to start off. My wife would patiently listen for five
seconds then say "what do you want?" I would then tell her I
want to talk. She would then tell me to come back when I
knew what I wanted.
Is it any wonder that we didn't communicate well. What with
me being so difficult and all.
Then I tried doing it her way and go into my own cave and
two or three days later somehow miraculously know what I
want and what I want her to do. It didn't work. Two or three
days later I hadn't made any progress. For some reason I
couldn't process it alone.
It's just not my style. I am a difficult person because I
have a different style of communicating and problem solving.
Then I started frequenting the MOM (mixed orientation
marriage) message boards and discovered there were many
others like me out there. The strange thing was that they
were all straight wives.
These wives asked me tons of questions. Most started off
with...He refuses to talk about it. Or he won't tell me what
he feels. Or he holds it all in. Or some or all of the
above....and usually ended with ...How can I get my (gay/bi)
husband to talk?
I told them to stop being so difficult.
Actually, what I told them was I wish I knew.
I know of one straight spouse that got her husband to talk.
Basically, she told him she wanted out because she was
dissatisfied with their marriage partly because he wouldn't
talk about his feelings. When he realized he was going to
lose her if he didn't talk about his feelings then he
realized he had nothing to lose by talking about it and the
floodgates opened.
I tried that but it didn't work for me. After 24 years of
marriage I issued an ultimatum. Talk to me or else. I
scheduled a date and time and she insisted on a time limit
so we agreed on a day and time and 30 minutes. Then the day
and time arrived and she mumbled one sentence and refused to
open up anymore. We still had twenty minutes on the timer.
I told myself stop being such a difficult person and let it
go.
So what do I do now?
Well now I know my wife and I have very different styles of
problem solving and communicating and that her style doesn't
work for me and my style doesn't work for her.
I respect her style but I also expect her to respect my
style.
I know she needs alone time to work things through. She
knows I need to talk it out to work it out.
So since I need to talk it out and my wife can't or won't
talk it out with me then it's OK (no, necessary) for me to
go elsewhere to find someone or someone to talk it out
with. If I have someone to talk about it, even if it is not
her, then I can sort it out. My wife is all right with me
talking to others.
I have stopped trying to get my wife to open up about her
feelings but if it ever happens that someday she opens up on
her own then I will not interrupt her, not give any advice
or psychoanalyze (her words); I will say nothing and just
listen.
And when she comes to me and tells me what she wants without
telling me what the problem is or what her feelings are or
what the thinking is behind what she wants then it's OK for
me to say "No" without giving any explanation because she is
no longer "The One that must be Obeyed".
So do we ever resolve our problems?
Yes but not always. We have learned which problems to avoid.
And, as for the others, we know each other well enough to go
our own way yet somehow end up in the middle.
Thanks for listening.
Regards,
Philip |
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